Rejected Comedy Submissions: Article #2

Tech Startup or Middle School AIM Screen-Name?

  1. Partyphile

  2. MissBeez

  3. KidzJet

  4. SkyGiraffe

  5. CheddarUp

  6. ArtCorgi

  7. NinjaBlocks

  8. WallaPop

  9. CrazyEgg

  10. Hipmunk

  11. Asap54

  12. OneFootball

  13. ThousandEyes

  14. Beenz

  15. SharkPunch

ANSWER: All the above are names of Tech Startups.

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Is It Just Me or Is Something Up With Netflix’s New Recommendation System

You Watched The Lincoln Lawyer and Sorority House Massacre. We Recommend Legally Blonde.

You Watched Finding Nemo and Hotel Rwanda. We Recommend Blackfish.

You Watched House and School of Rock. We Recommend Schoolhouse Rock.

You Watched Roman Holiday and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. We Recommend Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

You Watched Miracle on 34th Street and Everybody Hates Chris. We Recommend Bad Santa.

You Watched Puppet and No Strings Attached. We Recommend Pinocchio.

You Watched Chef and The Perfect Storm. We Recommend Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

You Watched The Cat In The Hat and An Inconvenient Truth. We Recommend The Lorax.

You Watched Girls and The Jeffrey Dahmer Files. We Recommend Monster.

You Watched Police Academy 4 and Police Academy 5. We Recommend Something New.

Billy Goats

confusion rises hazy in my eyes

when the mailman comes

and gestures

and we have to tip him near christmas


but i am a billy goat and you are a human

and both of us with our lungs and frontal lobes

but you with an afterlife

and hominid prestige


i have loved you with a goat’s heart

for 18 months now

and that means our love has first words

and can walk alone


i have loved you undeservingly and assiduously

when you tip the mailman

and understand his gestures

and find me in animal confusion

opening jam jars with hooves


i am stupid

but i chose you

i can’t be stupid

if you choose me

 

The Yukon

you said your skin was a long, thin dam

trying to contain the yukon river


and your mouth was the bering sea

your philtrum the bering strait


and your lower half (approx. 37 inches)

therefore alaska


then the bering sea curled crescent

as you told me in a pride-hushed whisper

how you hold america’s third longest river


and i can’t believe your satisfaction

with being only a tertiary structure


you lift up your waterlogged arms, splashing and

sloshing before your fingertips collide with the

shore of my cheek


and you ask me how I enjoy being a puddle.

Hello, This Is My First Post.

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